I have been trying to write this blog all week and haven’t found a way to organize my words yet so you’re just going to have to take this verbal diarrhea and process it how you see fit. I read an article from xonecole where Cardi B says she Underestimated being a mommy. She goes on to state that she even dropped out of the Bruno Mars tour because she wasn’t physically ready nor [emotionally] ready to leave her baby behind. The article goes on to mention other celeb moms who struggled with postpartum emotions and/or postpartum depression. Well I too am in that Cardi B box where I just simply underestimated everything.
I HAD A PLAN
I sure did! If and when I decide to get pregnant, I will be married, successful, in great shape physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Instead, I found out I was pregnant they day before we had my fathers memorial service. That alone should have told me how everything was going to go. Here I am unmarried, still working on success, under spiritual maintenance, not in the best health physically, and to top it all off they only man to ever purely love me unconditionally had just died. I was an emotional wreck for the entire pregnancy. But I still put forth effort. This pregnancy thing wasn’t going to take me down. Im TotallyRandie! I have the strength of a lion. So I put my big girl panties on and I worked every day for months, 60 hour weeks. Trying to make sure I was “prepared”. I had a birthing plan: vaginal, all natural/no epidural, breastfeeding, and a mean work out plan as soon as I popped the baby out.
LIFE TOOK THE FILTER OFF
Reality punched me in the face. Not only did I have to get an epidural, but we almost lost Lennox, who subsequently came by emergency c-section. That is major surgery. As Beyonce told Vogue recently,
Some of your organs are shifted temporarily, and in rare cases, removed temporarily during delivery. I am not sure everyone understands that. I needed time to heal, to recover.
Now if you’re squeamish, I would skip down a paragraph or two but if you have an inquiring mind let me go transparent. The epidural gave me the shakes, as if I was naked “sun-bathing” on Antartica. I don’t even remember holding my baby for the first time. The next day I woke up with staples in me where the incision was made, I itched all over, and my insides felt like someone left the faucet on and I was draining fluids. I didn’t have an appetite yet the little human I had housed for 9 months was looking to me to feed him. Every movement made me cringe with pain. I couldn’t make a bowel movement, and I had a rash on my left but cheek. All of this was considered “normal” for labor and delivery.
After one week, the staples were removed, and I got a little bit of relief. However, I am still in pain, as soon as I eat anything my body liquefies it and pushes it out, and if I never sneeze again it will be too soon. My breast swelled three times its size and not enough milk was being produced so I had a screaming newborn dying of hunger. Pain on pain on pain is how I describe it. I feel like I have been in pain for weeks with no relief. I stopped taking the pain pills because it didn’t work. The back pain from the epidural is excruciating, I am still healing up from the surgery and will continue to bleed for 6 weeks (at least, ill let you know after 6 weeks). The only thing that made me smile outside of my little humans face is the fact that I lost 14 pounds immediately.
PPD?
Postpartum Depression is a serious thing, and I don’t want to self-diagnose or non self-diagnose, but I am going to say no, I am not experiencing that. I do however have the baby blues. I was watching Tarzan with the kid and I cried, doesn’t matter what I watch, I cry. Also I am still grieving the death of my father, which has been exceptionally hard since Lennox will never meet him. There won’t be pictures of him holding Lennox, or them sitting outside in their chairs watching the cars go by. I won’t laugh hysterically at him mispronouncing Lennox name like he does everyone’s name. Lennox will never know PauPau Bubba.
The other part of our emotions as women is how we feel about ourselves. I have always struggled with weight and feel I have the fat gene. So right now I’m definitely not liking my body, but what is more, there is nothing I can do about it. My body needs to heal completely and I am putting myself in harms way if I attempt to work out or over stress myself. With that being said, I have never felt so unattractive as I feel now. Lennox is sucking the life out of my boobs, and this pudge in my belly isn’t going down fast enough. I don’t have the energy to do anything, I barely have the energy to write this blog. I am doing everything in my power to shake this feeling but it won’t go away. I need a pedicure, my hair done and to get out of this house.
REGULAR Joe Schmoe
Unlike celebrities, there’s no “team” to help me fight off negative emotions. All of my loved ones work. They can’t be here 24/7 to relieve me. No one to do my hair, or dress me up on a daily. No one to hold Lennox just so I could go take a shower, I literally have to wait til he is sleeping and I swear I hear him crying so what used to be a long hot shower turns into an xtreme sport shower. My day starts when his day starts and ends when he says so. I am on his time. Whomever came up with this 6 weeks maternity leave should be ashamed. You can’t fully heal in 6 weeks if you’re up most of the night feeding. I thought after I had the baby I would get a break. There are no breaks. Once you become a mother just throw rest, breaks, and all synonymous concepts out of the window. I underestimated everything. Well he is waking now and I need to go feed him.